How Did This Happen?
by Mei Aurora Darkling
Summary: Sesshoumaru finds himself in an . . . unexpected position and goes over the day to see what went wrong . . . Failed wedding, cussing and the strangest Sess/Kagu pairing anyone's ever seen. Plus Shippou. R&R.


How Did This Happen?  
  
Typed by M.A. Darkling  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Alas! My heart cries in woe!  
  
Inuyasha I own, the answer is no!  
  
The brilliant creator, genious mind,  
  
And artist in kind!  
  
Is who we all know  
  
Rumiko Takahashi!  
  
(Yes, I know it doesn't rhyme.)  
  
  
  
From the Authoress herself:  
  
. . . This is demented and strange . . .  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sesshoumaru was sitting in the Goshinboku, with Kagura on his lap and Shippou on his head, and his hanyou brother and woman under the tree itself, waiting to laugh and 'take a picture' when Sesshoumaru came down carrying the two other youkai. (He had seen these 'pictures'; he didn't like the idea of capturing his embarrassment on a small square of parchment.) Kagura and Shippou had long since fallen asleep, because Sesshoumaru had clearly banned the singing of vulgar and annoying songs.  
  
'How did this happen?' he wondered. His mind raced back to this morning, as he was walking with Rin and Jaken and his aptly named Irritation, the two headed dragon . . .  
  
  
  
*FLASHBACK THAT WILL BE MOST OF THE STORY*  
  
  
  
Irritation had decided to go poo at that moment and Sesshoumaru, Rin and Jaken were waiting for it to come out from behind the bush. Rin was picking some flowers.  
  
  
  
*PRESENT TIME*  
  
Now that he thought about it, that innocent act had brought all this upon him.  
  
  
  
*FTWBMOTS*  
  
  
  
A giant youkai came flying out at Rin. "HOW DARE YOU PICk mY FlOWers!!"  
  
"KYAA!!!" Rin screamed. For once Sesshoumaru wished he was Inuyasha, for the mere luxury of flattening his ears against his head.  
  
  
  
*PRESENT TIME*  
  
  
  
"Why did I want that?" Sesshoumaru asked aloud. Kagura stirred.  
  
"Wha . . .?" Kagura asked, half asleep. Sesshoumaru sweatdropped. He DIDN'T want her awake AGAIN.  
  
"Nothing, nothing," he said, gently rocking her back to sleep.  
  
  
  
*FTWBMOTS*  
  
  
  
"Who are you!?!" Sesshoumaru asked, equally forcefully, if not moreso.  
  
"I aM THe GReat yOUkai oF THe FLowers!! Fear my wrath!" the big pink balloon's voice lost power.  
  
"Great Youkai of the Flowers?" Sesshoumaru made a pretty good effort not to fall over laughing. Sure he had the Toxic Flower Claw, but at least he wasn't pink!  
  
"Yes! Great Youkai of the-uh-oh," the illusion gave way to a small kitsune brat.  
  
"Great Youkai, hah," Sesshoumaru started to grip his tail to release the energy of the laugh coming to existance. Damn, was he _that_ strong?  
  
"Umm . . . the Great Youkai of the Flowers bids you safe journey through the forest," the physical child cringed. But nothing, nothing in the world ever prepared the kitsune for what happened next.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~!!!!!!!" the possibly insane youkai lord had a bout of the afeared giggles, then and there. "GREAT YOUKAI OF THE FLOWERS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Rin, Jaken and Shippou, as well as Irritation, who had finished it's business around the time Rin had 'kya-ed', looked on, shocked and confused.  
  
*At That Very Moment However*  
  
"Kagura, I want you to kidnap that girl Rin again," Naraku ordered.  
  
"Why? It didn't work last time, it won't work now," Kagura said.  
  
"No, it's not that. Kohaku's been missing her, and I think it's my fault," Naraku admitted. Kagura sweatdropped.  
  
"What? I thought Rin was with Souta!" Kagura exclaimed.  
  
"No, no, that's in one of Mei's other fics," Naraku explained.  
  
"The one she trashed?" Kagura tapped her fan to her chin.  
  
"NO, she the one she hasn't trashed yet. Mei finds the pairings for Rin very versatile," Naraku said knowingly.  
  
"Why are we talking about this?" Kagura asked quizzically. "And why are we so OOC?"  
  
"I dunno," Naraku shrugged.  
  
The entire conversation was forgotten.  
  
"Go kidnap Rin," Naraku demanded Kagura.  
  
"Okey-dokey," Kagura replied angrily, and as much as she wanted to know _why_ , a little voice in the back of her head said: "Don't ask," and it was very firm.  
  
  
  
*BACK AT THE SCENE OF THE HYSTERICAL YOUKAI LORD*  
  
While Irritation, Jaken, and Shippou looked on at the said hysteric, Kagura sneaked up, gagged Rin and whisked her away.  
  
This might've been the part where Sesshoumaru got up, killed Kagura mercilessly, and rescued Rin, if the Gods had not decided to make life excruciatingly difficult for the poor bish.  
  
Sesshoumaru, having made a record time recovery from his bout of hysterics, flew after the rapidly flying Feather-Woman to rescue his small child that follows him around because she's cute. Right at that very moment, somehow, a Rabid Fangirl had managed to bypass Bone-Gobbling Well Security and demonstrated the perfected Amazon Glomp (copyrighted to He/She's-Mine! School of Getting Fiancees) on the coveted one himself. This knocked the youkai straight outta da air and on the ground. Not the best place for him to be, really. Especially since a warp into someplace appeared right in front of Kagura and Rin, and they flew inside.  
  
Noone, not even the writer of the fic, knows how it got there.  
  
But since that really doesn't matter, we'll just go back to Sesshoumaru and one of his many Shrine Keepers.  
  
"AHH!! BITCH, GET OFFA ME!!!!!" Sesshoumaru yelled, desperately trying to pry the fangirl off. Assuming that she's trained at H/SMSOGF, bypassed security and learned to fly, we'll assume that she was one of the best.  
  
Shippou however had decided, that it was best Inuyasha saw this, because he knew that Kagome's 3-day leave always left our poor hanyou in depression. This was actually kinda funny.  
  
So our favorite Kitsune bounced all the way to Inuyasha and reported.  
  
"Inuyasha! Inuyasha!" Shippou jumped up and down excitedly. "You'll never guess what just happened!!"  
  
Inuyasha looked over at the Kitsune, frowned and then cleared his throat.  
  
"You scared the hell outta the small girl that follows around my dumbass brother, didn't ya?" Inuyasha grunted. He was not in the mood for the baby- sitting that would follow.  
  
"Only a little. But then she got kidnaped by that wind-dance-thingy lady and Sesshoumaru is battling a foe of fearsome accomplishments (aka, a student of H/SMSOGF)," Shippou summed up in one extraordinary breath.  
  
"H/SMSOGF, huh?" Inuyasha mused. "Well, let's go see."  
  
So they went.  
  
In Shippou's eyes, Sesshoumaru and the Rabid Fangirl were ruffhousing.  
  
In Inuyasha's eyes, it was a strange act of newly discovered love.  
  
In Kagome's eyes, it was a haunting reminder of the terrifying elementary school square-dances.  
  
Wait.  
  
Where did Kagome come from????  
  
*PRESENT TIME*  
  
'Where had Kagome come from, anyway?' Sesshoumaru thought. He didn't care that he had actually _remembered_ her name, much less called her by it.  
  
"I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE SESSHOUMARU!!!" called Inuyasha. Kagome had her camera ready, and Sesshoumaru knew it. He sweatdropped.  
  
What in the pits of Hell had he done to deserve this?  
  
Don't answer that.  
  
*FTWBMOTS*  
  
It actually doesn't matter where Kagome came from, all that mattered was that she was there. (In reality, all the teachers in school had come down with inexplicable diseases and were at the hospital, deseparately trying to find a raisin.)  
  
"Just one raisin, mind you," Kagome said pointedly. Inuyasha nodded, and put it in the back of his head.  
  
"Alright, Kagome . . ." Inuyasha said slowly and clearly, remembering what the shrink said. "Whatever you say."  
  
At this point, the Security Guards had caught up with the Rabid Fangirl.  
  
"Okay, now, Miss Obzeshun," Security Person #A pronounced. "We hafta to take you back to 1997 for trial."  
  
Security Persons #'s B, C, and D pried Miss Obzeshun (Obzeshun was a long and pretigious line of Rabid Fangirls that had been around since the very first long-haired prettyboy.) off of Sesshoumaru, while Miroku was shamelessly flirting with Security Person #E (who was a woman).  
  
Sango took this moment to annhilate him with the Hiraikotsu.  
  
Sesshoumaru jumped into the air and through the warp.  
  
He, of course, was occupied with finding Kagura, putting her through an extreme amount of pain and leaving her to rot in some forsaken road. Then get Rin, as an afterthought.  
  
Sesshoumaru, immediately flew to Naraku's lovelyly obvious castle/fort. He blasted through a wall or five, which made him feel slightly better. He stomped up to Kanna, who was, strangely enough, garbed in a dress suit and sitting at a desk, answering phone calls.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Naraku won't be available to destroy your village for another five weeks--oh, yes, next Saturday is open," Kanna scribbled something in foreign characters. She looked up at Sesshoumaru. "I'm sorry, Mr. Naraku is unavailable to fight you, Mr. Inu-taiyoukai--can I put you up for an appointment?"  
  
"I'm not here to see the bastard!" Sesshoumaru yelled. Kanna struggled to stay in her swivel chair. "I want to torture Kagura!"  
  
"Oh," Kanna said, putting her phone on the hook. "Well then, that's a different story."  
  
He looked angry, which was a understatement entirely. Kanna punched the "N" button on her intercom.  
  
"Mr. Naraku? Mr. Naraku, someone is here to see your daughter," Kanna said slowly, almost in awe.  
  
Mr. Naraku burst through the door. It was . . . slightly odder than some of the things he had seen that day. Naraku, was Naraku, (long hair and all) only in a gray business suit. Not to mention the flamingo tie. Can't forget the blue flamingo tie.  
  
"Well," Naraku said, sizing him up, as if he had never seen him before. "You're acceptable."  
  
"Acceptable for what?" Sesshoumaru demanded.  
  
"Courting my daughter Kagura, of course!" Naraku said jovially.  
  
At first, Sesshoumaru was in shock that Naraku could say anything jovially. Then Naraku's words sank in.  
  
"No . . ." Sesshoumaru counted briefly to ten. Ichi . . .  
  
"Yes!" Naraku said, clapping him on the back. Ni . . .  
  
"No . . ." San . . .  
  
"Yes!" Chi . . .  
  
"No . . ." Go . . .  
  
"Yes!" Roku . . .  
  
"No . . ." Nana . . .  
  
"Yes!" Hachi . . .  
  
"No!" Ku . . .  
  
"YES!!!!!!!!!!" Ju!  
  
"AHHHH!!!!!!!" Sesshoumaru panicked. Today was a day of high emotion-swings for him, wasn't it?  
  
"You'll get married right away," Naraku said, summoning Kanna to help him plan. "Kanna, I want Kagura's wedding dress to be blue with a pattern of tulips. The flowers MUST, at all costs, be carnations and daffodils and the cake should be lemon-lime, with a hint of vanilla . . . oh, and get him some jeans." Naraku gestured in the direction of Sesshoumaru.  
  
"Hey!" Sesshoumaru cried out.  
  
"Yes?" Kanna and Naraku turned to him simultaneously.  
  
"Uh . . ." Really, such indecisiveness was uncharacteristic for him. Mentally, he did both of two things: Wonder why he just didn't kill them all and search his brain for an excuse to prevent the wedding. "Where's the . . . ick, bride?"  
  
"Oh!" Kanna's hands flew to her mouth. "I'll call for her right away!"  
  
Kanna scurried towards the phone, where she dialed a number.  
  
"Now," Naraku turned back to Sesshoumaru. "Let's get you--"  
  
"I'm not marrying that bitch!" Sesshoumaru exclaimed.  
  
"Who's a bitch?!" a voice at the elevator demanded. "What marriage?"  
  
Kagura stepped out, dressed in a sweater and skirt combination. She looked none too happy. Which is considerable, because marrying someone against your will would not be the most pleasurable experience. And noone in their right mind would be wearing a sweater in 90 degrees Farenheit.  
  
A few hours later, any of which Sesshoumaru would've liked to forget, they were prepared for the wedding. (Kagura kicked and screamed, while Sesshoumaru took the more subtle approach and sliced and diced anyone foolish enough to try and get him into wedding attire.)  
  
Kagura trudged down the hall in a blue dress (somewhat covered in blood) twice her size. The priest raised an eyebrow. Sesshoumaru was slightly confused; he had been dragged to his father's wedding. This was nothing like it.  
  
The priest rambled off, leaving poor, abused Sesshoumaru to come up with some way to get out of this.  
  
Option 1: Kill everyone and run like hell.  
  
Option 2: Kill everyone and gloat until he died.  
  
Option 3: Kill everyone and find Rin.  
  
Option 4: Just kill everyone.  
  
'I like Option 4,' Sesshoumaru thought. Unfortunately, before this practical and ingenious plan could be put into action, the Gods opened his head and stuffed another one inside, really really really fast, before he could notice and change his mind.  
  
"WAIT!!!!" he announced.  
  
"What?" was the chorused answer.  
  
"I can't be married like this," Sesshoumaru started. "I'm not Christian!"  
  
"Didn't we go over this already?" Naraku whispered to Kanna.  
  
"Yeah," Kanna answered. "With you."  
  
"Dammit. Can we go over it again with him?" Naraku asked.  
  
Kanna checked her legal papers. "No," she said. "This isn't a parody, and therefore we have no right to explain to him that the Authoress of the fic is more or less Christian and she really doesn't know about any other religion."  
  
"Sure she does!" Naraku exclaimed.  
  
"Quiet!" Kanna hissed. "Lady Darkling is too lazy to go find one."  
  
While this was going on, Sesshoumaru had escaped the AU wedding.  
  
The dog-demon began to sniff out Rin.  
  
Who was very close.  
  
He could smell her. And Feather-Woman. Coming up fast. Faster. Faster.  
  
"WHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???"  
  
Kagura and Rin had plowed directly behind him, and he was flying with them, right up front. Kagura seemed not to noticed.  
  
"You really aren't that bright, are you?" Sesshoumaru said sarcasm dripping from his tone. Really, you could see it.  
  
"Hmm?" Kagura finally seemed to notice him. Unfortunately she didn't notice the, er, sky and crashed into a tree. Her feather instantly shrunk, and fluttered to the ground.  
  
"Kagome! Something's crashed into the Goshinboku tree!"  
  
Oh no, Sesshoumaru thought. It's that . . .  
  
"What is it Shippou-chan?" Kagome ran up. She seemed to be mentally stable again.  
  
"Hey, Inuyasha," the priest, Miroku, pointed. "It's your half-brother, Kagura and a little girl."  
  
"Ha!" Inuyasha exclaimed, smirking. "Does my older brother have a li'l family? Is that my niece up there?"  
  
If Kagome was mentally stable, that must mean that Shippou is extraordinarily literal.  
  
Shippou jumped up to the Unwilling Trio, and scooped up, Rin (who blushed and giggled) and tossed her down to Kirara, who caught her with ease. However, this act of mercy and goodwill got his feet all tangled up in Sesshoumaru's hair, which didn't please the said demon at ALL.  
  
"I'm gonna jump," Sesshoumaru warned. The others in the God Tree braced themselves.  
  
"Ooh!" Kagome squealed. "I've got a camera!"  
  
"What?" all residents of Medival Japan chorused.  
  
"Let's just say we'll remember this FOREVER," Kagome began to grin maniacly.  
  
Sesshoumaru sweatdropped.  
  
*A FEW HOURS LATER*  
  
Sesshoumaru was sitting in the Goshinboku tree with Kagura on his lap and Shippou on his head . . . 


End file.
